PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE
The 4 types of communicators:
Passive Communication- Is a style where an individual develops a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, identifying and meeting their needs, and protecting their rights. This generally is from low-self esteem. They believe they are not worth taking care of. Because of this belief of self-worth, this individual does not respond clearly to hurtful situations, or anger-inducing. Instead they allow these situations of distress, annoyance, or unfair to build up without usually even being aware. The dilemma with doing this is they reach a certain threshold for tolerance and are prone then to having explosive outbursts. These outbursts can be triggered by a completely unrelated incident of an unacceptable situation. However, once the outburst occurs, they feel shame, confusion, and guilt and return to their passive state again.
Examples of passive communicators:
Fail to assert themselves
Allow others to violate their rights
Don't express their own needs, opinions, or feelings
Speak in soft tone and apologetically
Poor eye contact and posture
What they feel:
Confused because they ignore their own feelings
Depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless
Anxious because life seems out of their control
Resentful because their needs are not being met
Impact: unable to mature because real issues are never addressed
What they may say and believe:
"I get stepped on by everyone"
"I'm weak and unable to take care of myself"
"People never consider my feelings"
"I'm unable to stand up for my rights"
"I don't know what my rights are"
Aggressive Communication- A style where individuals express their feelings and opinions that violates the rights of others. This being, aggressive communicators are verbally and can be physically abusive. This communication comes from low-self esteem often caused from being abused themselves. They generally have unhealed wounds and feelings of powerlessness.
Examples of Aggressive Communicators:
Criticize, blame, and attack others
Try to dominate others
Be Impulsive
Use humiliation to criticize others
Interrupt frequently
Have low frustration tolerance
Act threateningly and rudely
Speak in loud, overbearing, demanding voice
Use 'you' statements
Have piercing eye contact, and overbearing voice
Not listen well
Impact for these individuals:
Become alienated from others
Generate fear and hatred in others
Alienate others
Always blame others instead of owning their issues (unable to mature that way)
Aggressive Communicators will say, believe or behave like:
"I'm entitled"
"I own you"
"I'm loud, bossy, and pushy"
"I can dominate and intimidate you"
"I can violate your rights"
"I'll get my way no matter what"
"I react instantly"
"I'm superior and right, and you're inferior and wrong"
"You're not worth anything"
"It's all your fault"
Passive-Aggressive communication- A style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in an indirect, subtle, secret way. The person that develops this pattern of communication usually feel powerless, resentful, stuck, basically incapable of dealing directly with the matter or object of their resentments. Instead they express their anger delicately, lightly, sabotaging the matter (object, real or imagined) of their resentments. They will smile at you while setting traps all around you.
Examples Of These Communicators:
Use facial expressions that don't match their feelings (smile when angry)
Have difficulty acknowledging their anger
Mutter to themselves rather than confront person or issue
Use sarcasm
Deny there is a problem
Appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy or disrupt
Use subtle sabotage to get even
The impact this has on them:
Remain stuck in a position of powerlessness
Discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed and they don't mature
Become alienated from those around them
They will often believe, say, and behave like:
"I'm weak and resentful, so I disrupt, sabotage, and frustrate"
"I'm powerless to deal with you head on so I must use irregular warfare"
"I will appear cooperative, but I am not!"
Assertive Communication- This is the style we want to work towards. This individual clearly states their opinions and feelings. They are a firm advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. They are born of high self-esteem. They value themselves, their time, emotions, spirituality, and their strong physical needs. They are advocates for themselves while being respectful of the rights of others.
Assertive Communicators will:
State needs and wants clearly, respectfully, and appropriately.
Feel in control of self
Have good eye contact
Listen well without interrupting
Use "I" statements
Communicate respect for others
Speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
Have a relaxed body posture
Feel connected to others, competent, and in control
Not allow others to abuse or manipulate
Stand up for their rights
Have relaxed body posture
Express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
Impact of being Assertive:
Feel connected to others
Feel in control of their lives
Are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
Create a respectful environment of others to grow and mature
The Assertive communicator will say, believe or behave:
"I am confident about who I am"
"I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my opinions"
"I can't control others but I can control myself"
"I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point"
"I respect the right of others"
"I'm 100% responsible for my own happiness"
"Nobody owes me anything unless they've agreed to give it to me"
"We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another"
"I place a high priority on having my rights respected"
"I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner"
Assertiveness is essential part of mental health for healthy relationships and self-care
Examples of passive communicators:
Fail to assert themselves
Allow others to violate their rights
Don't express their own needs, opinions, or feelings
Speak in soft tone and apologetically
Poor eye contact and posture
What they feel:
Confused because they ignore their own feelings
Depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless
Anxious because life seems out of their control
Resentful because their needs are not being met
Impact: unable to mature because real issues are never addressed
What they may say and believe:
"I get stepped on by everyone"
"I'm weak and unable to take care of myself"
"People never consider my feelings"
"I'm unable to stand up for my rights"
"I don't know what my rights are"
Aggressive Communication- A style where individuals express their feelings and opinions that violates the rights of others. This being, aggressive communicators are verbally and can be physically abusive. This communication comes from low-self esteem often caused from being abused themselves. They generally have unhealed wounds and feelings of powerlessness.
Examples of Aggressive Communicators:
Criticize, blame, and attack others
Try to dominate others
Be Impulsive
Use humiliation to criticize others
Interrupt frequently
Have low frustration tolerance
Act threateningly and rudely
Speak in loud, overbearing, demanding voice
Use 'you' statements
Have piercing eye contact, and overbearing voice
Not listen well
Impact for these individuals:
Become alienated from others
Generate fear and hatred in others
Alienate others
Always blame others instead of owning their issues (unable to mature that way)
Aggressive Communicators will say, believe or behave like:
"I'm entitled"
"I own you"
"I'm loud, bossy, and pushy"
"I can dominate and intimidate you"
"I can violate your rights"
"I'll get my way no matter what"
"I react instantly"
"I'm superior and right, and you're inferior and wrong"
"You're not worth anything"
"It's all your fault"
Passive-Aggressive communication- A style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in an indirect, subtle, secret way. The person that develops this pattern of communication usually feel powerless, resentful, stuck, basically incapable of dealing directly with the matter or object of their resentments. Instead they express their anger delicately, lightly, sabotaging the matter (object, real or imagined) of their resentments. They will smile at you while setting traps all around you.
Examples Of These Communicators:
Use facial expressions that don't match their feelings (smile when angry)
Have difficulty acknowledging their anger
Mutter to themselves rather than confront person or issue
Use sarcasm
Deny there is a problem
Appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy or disrupt
Use subtle sabotage to get even
The impact this has on them:
Remain stuck in a position of powerlessness
Discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed and they don't mature
Become alienated from those around them
They will often believe, say, and behave like:
"I'm weak and resentful, so I disrupt, sabotage, and frustrate"
"I'm powerless to deal with you head on so I must use irregular warfare"
"I will appear cooperative, but I am not!"
Assertive Communication- This is the style we want to work towards. This individual clearly states their opinions and feelings. They are a firm advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. They are born of high self-esteem. They value themselves, their time, emotions, spirituality, and their strong physical needs. They are advocates for themselves while being respectful of the rights of others.
Assertive Communicators will:
State needs and wants clearly, respectfully, and appropriately.
Feel in control of self
Have good eye contact
Listen well without interrupting
Use "I" statements
Communicate respect for others
Speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
Have a relaxed body posture
Feel connected to others, competent, and in control
Not allow others to abuse or manipulate
Stand up for their rights
Have relaxed body posture
Express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
Impact of being Assertive:
Feel connected to others
Feel in control of their lives
Are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
Create a respectful environment of others to grow and mature
The Assertive communicator will say, believe or behave:
"I am confident about who I am"
"I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my opinions"
"I can't control others but I can control myself"
"I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point"
"I respect the right of others"
"I'm 100% responsible for my own happiness"
"Nobody owes me anything unless they've agreed to give it to me"
"We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another"
"I place a high priority on having my rights respected"
"I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner"
Assertiveness is essential part of mental health for healthy relationships and self-care